I'm employed at a charitable organization and had been working there for about eight years when I received a note from my supervisor that really ticked me off.  In the note she affirmed her love and concern for me and offered to talk to me about anything that might be bothering me about work.  She also pointed out that I wasn't doing one small part of my job adequately to suit her.  But then she really went too far, in my opinion, by telling me that she had observed that I was getting more and more upset on the job and that my attitude was beginning to affect other staff.  And that's what really ticked me off!

How dare she make such an accusation!  And she left it on my day off as she was leaving for vacation!  My attitude wasn't any worse than anyone else at the job site.  She probably just wasn't used to me expressing my frustrations so forcefully and is shocked to learn that I feel what everyone else feels.  After all, in a service-related job, everyone has their share of compassion burnout!  It's just my turn.  Let me have my little fit and I'll be fine in a couple of days! 

And so I stewed like this for a few days, thinking I had been wrongly singled out, misunderstood, stomped on, and so forth.  I had a really good tantrum followed by a stubborn, good old-fashioned pout.

A couple of days later, I was willing to acknowledge that I did have a bad attitude lately.  Maybe there was a grain of truth in what she said.  So I decided to make some adjustments at work.  I would come in a half-hour earlier and take a real lunch break away from the office instead of working through lunch at my desk or in the employee lunch room.  That way I could be alone with my thoughts, or a good book, or my Bible.  I would de-stress.

Taking a lunch break out of the office would also get me away from some of the lunch time work-related talk about common clients and agency short-comings.  These discussions were sometimes full of negativity.  Most of us took this opportunity to express our job- and family-related frustrations.  But instead of helping each other, we tended to jump on each other's bandwagons.

As I thought about my game plan for self-improvement, I comforted myself with the thought that I was a Christian.  God understood my frustrations and cared about me.  God would see me through and work things out for me.

What about my witness to my co-workers?  Didn't I think my bad attitude would negatively influence their perception of what a Christian is all about?  I told myself that I needed to live a transparent life before my co-workers.  They needed to see that a Christian struggles with real issues and that a Christian sometimes looses her perspective and fails.  I didn't want them to think that I was a goody-two-shoes or better than they were.  I wanted them to see that I am just like them.  That way, I could relate and they would look to me for help and ....

Wait a minute.  Something's wrong here.  Why do I want to appear to be just like them?  Why would they turn to someone just like them when they help or advice?  Why would someone just like them be able to point them to Christ?

Now I want you to believe that I don't hear voices, but I do feel promptings.  And I was getting a big, bold, blaring prompting.  What about serving as Christ served?  What about living in Christ's strength?  What about being salt and light?  What about controlling your tongue?

I began to restructure my thought.  Christ hadn't called me to be a beacon of hope for anyone.  Christ never asked me to magnify my frustrations so that others will see Him through my frustrations.  Christ hadn't called my to witness to my own strength or to my own weakness.  Christ didn't call me to lead anyone to myself.  Quite the contrary.

Christ calls me to transparently display Himself to others around me.  He calls me to serve as He served in the strength He gives.  Christ calls me to be salt and light so that others may see Him and glorify Him, not marvel at how well I do my job or cope with my frustrations.  If I show my frustrations to others and never testify to how Christ helps me through them, I have pointed only to myself and not to Christ.  I am holding my self up and not Christ.  I am breaking the vital link between Christ and myself in their eyes.

Wow!  The message came through loud and clear.  Get your eyes off yourself and fixed on Christ.  Focus on how His strength is at work in you and how he will help you overcome.  Speak the truth in love.  Let your words build others up.  Don't jump on the bandwagon.  Take your thoughts captive and let them focus on Christ.  Work on your serving skills, not on your self-serving tantrum and pouting skills.

I think I'll still take a lunch break away from the office most days.  But some days, I will test the waters and see if I have learned my lesson well enough to encourage others at lunchtime instead of piling it on with them.  Then when I feel strong enough, I'll go back to eating in all the time.  I hope I'm strong enough by October.  It gets pretty cold in the park by then.

Well, here they are, the long-anticipated 5 Random Facts About MMMMEEEE!!!!!!!!!

1.  I like socks.

2. My pony filled me with both great joy and great fear.

3.  I sometimes question God about the no-women preacher/elder thing, but I remain submissive.

4.  For lunch I had a tossed salad with grilled chicken and sweet and sour dressing.

5.  I have NEVER wanted to be and Oscar-Mayer Weiner.

How about it girls, did you know all of them?  Some of them?

I miss you all and hope the time flies swiftly till we can see each other. 

I am exploring grad school options.  Please pray for me!!

Love,

Mom